Diet Dennis Cooper
Toddy and Timbo sit on a messy bed in an overpriced studio in the East Village.
Timbo wants to kiss (maybe even French kiss) Toddy.
Toddy does not want this to happen. “I want to read my library books,” says Toddy.
Timbo stares incredibly meanly at Toddy’s stack of library books, which includes Shoplifting From American Apparel by the alt lit star Tao Lin.
“Tao Lin sounds like a Japanese name,” says Timbo, snidely. “Is Tao Lin Japanese? Did his family help plan the attack on Pearl Harbor?”
“No,” says Toddy. “Tao Lin is from Taiwan, which just so happens to be the birthplace of Ed Helm’s wife in The Hangover Part II.”
“Makes no difference to me,” says Timbo. “I don’t give a lick about straight people. Now take off your undies and lets start kissing.”
Toddy scoots away from Timbo. “No,” he says. “My undies are staying on. You only want to kiss me. They don’t need to come off for that. Also, my undies are from Kmart. I want to continue wearing them. They’re very comfortable.”
Timbo emits a great sigh of frustration. He rubs his forehead with the palm of his hand quite viciously. Then he walks over to one of the studio’s two windows and looks out it. Timbo sees a large black family, some drunk white people, and a fair amount of homeless people. Timbo thought that looking out the window would make him not want to kiss (maybe even French kiss) Toddy. But Timbo was mistaken. Timbo wants to kiss (maybe even French kiss) Toddy more than ever.
“Come on,” whines Timbo. “I paid for your veggie meatball sandwich this afternoon, didn’t I?”
“Yes,” answers Toddy. It’s the truth. Timbo did pay for the veggie meatball sandwich that Toddy ordered at a hip bakery in the Lower East Side.
Timbo picks at his chin. Then he picks at his flat tummy. “Well,” says Timbo, “shouldn’t I be able to kiss you without your undies on in return for paying for your veggie meatball sandwich?”
“Oh,” says Toddy. “I thought you paid for my veggie meatball sandwich out of kindness. I didn’t think you’d ask for a favor like this in return.”
Timbo starts to pick at his flat tummy in an extraordinarily intense manner. “You were sadly mistaken,” says Timbo.
The sight of Timbo picking his flat tummy in such an extraordinarily intense manner starts to excite Toddy in a way that he can’t deny. “Oh, all right,” says Toddy. “Go ahead and kiss me however you want. I suppose I can always read my library books, the Tao Lin one included, in the morning.”
Timbo nods. He licks his lips menacingly. He takes off Toddy’s Kmart undies.
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seth oelbaum is the ceo and founder of bambi muse. he is in a relationship with screaming seahorse and it's serious.